What’s New at the Mortuary

What’s new at the Mortuary

NOTE: This is not an insinuation of any plans I have for the near future.

Do you remember this joke attributed to Will Rogers and others? “When I die I want to go like my grandpa did, peacefully in my sleep not screaming and hollering like those other people in the car.”

Today, that’s just the beginnings of your options. This is not your grandpa’s funeral. The dying business has gone high-tech and low tech. At the high tech end, you can have yourself cremated, and then have your ashes become part of a coral reef, a tree, a diamond ring, or some other medium you may choose I assume. You can also have a computer chip embedded in your coral reef, tree, diamond ring or other resting place so that your loved ones can find you in the future.

For those who want to be buried in a more traditional way, but are concerned about adding the more permanent concrete, steel, wood and other slow dissolving materials to the earth’s underground, there’s a low tech alternative. You can have a casket made from bamboo. Then you and the casket will sooner become a part of the earth from which we sprung.

I am interested in these new alternatives for returning dust to dust. My own preference is rather personal. When I was in high school I had a 1939 mercury coupe. Even then it was dated, but it had a certain charm. It was cute. But it was also too much car I thought. Too high, too long, too bulky and round. So in my youthful enthusiasm I took care of these manufacturer miscalculations, and cut it down to the sports car I could see in my mind.

Great lesson in life which it took me several years to learn. It is much easier to remove than to replace. Cutting it down took some elbow grease and time, but nothing compared to trying to put it back together in its new form. It took me years between high school and college basketball, dating, a mission to Tonga for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, marriage, and the first few of what would be a rather large contingent of children.

I ran out of time, money, and skill. In truth I ran out of skill first.

Still the dream lives on, and I confess I have my project sequestered in a semi-secret place. Unless the dream dies before I do, I have a wafting vision of passing away peacefully in my bed not my car. Then having a mortuary finish my customizing project, and setting my last mortal remains into the driver seat with hands on the steering wheel and rolling the package into my underground plot/garage in a cemetery to triumphantly drive out in the resurrection.

So far I haven’t seen any offers from funeral homes, to take on the project, but with all these new innovations who knows?